Rejection and Bouncing Back

Ever since my training started 14 weeks ago, I've toyed with the idea of hiring a triathlon coach to help me reach my Ironman goal.  As I've documented throughout my posts, I am s-l-o-w.  Generally, this doesn't bother me much at all.  I enjoy my activities and tell myself I get more bang for my buck in the paid events.  Honestly, often my goal in triathlons is just to meet the cutoff times.  For anyone in the Triangle area of NC who has done Bandits Challenge (Olympic distance, badass, hilly tri), you'll appreciate the fact that my only goal was to finish within the 4:15 time cutoff.  I finished in something like 4:19 or 4:20 but had a strong (for me) race, and the Setup Events guys did not pull me from the course because, as they told me, I was "running strong and looked good out there".  I was elated.  I was also the last person to finish the race.  Those are the stars I reach for.

I run *about* a 5-hour marathon (I've run Marine Corps Marathon in 5:11 and then 5:03 the following year...still hoping to break that 5-hour mark) and try to enjoy every moment I'm on the course.  I typically average 15mph on the bike (though I've been struggling for some reason to hit that so far this season), and I swam 1.2 miles in the Beach2Battleship half iron distance event last November in 43:15 (with a current).  As far as endurance events and long distance triathlons go, I'm slow.

Slow might be a problem in Louisville.  I feel pretty sure that I can meet the cutoff times, but there are those lingering, nagging doubts about ability and my triathlon prowess.  I can't type 'triathlon prowess' in the context of myself without a little chuckle.  Bottom line is that I have some concern.  In my training plan, speed work is incorporated but I wonder whether it will be enough.

So since the beginning of my training I've contemplated hiring a coach.  I recently mentioned this to the unbelievably fantastic massage therapist (Julie Barton at Advanced PT in Cary) I see about once a month to work out the kinks.  I began seeing her a little more than a year ago in conjunction with an equally awesome physical therapist at Advanced PT for a longstanding, chronic problem along my right shoulder blade, and I continue to see her because she is OUTSTANDING.  Julie gave me the name of one of her clients who is also a triathlon coach.  I took this recommendation and ran with it, deciding to stop thinking about hiring a coach and actually HIRE a coach.

I emailed the coach and explained my situation to her.  I went into detail about my aspiration to become an Ironman in Louisville this August and how I was worried about my pace being a limiting factor.  I also explained that I was most concerned at this point with my swim time, as my husband (pseudo-coach) was working with me on my biking, and I felt like I could handle the run on my own.  I sent my email to her on a Sunday and awaited eagerly for her response on Monday.  Monday turned into Tuesday, then Tuesday into Wednesday.  Did she not receive my message?  Did it get lost in cyberspace?  I was hoping to meet up with her by the end of the week, ready to stroke! stroke! stroke! in the pool towards a time that would make Ian Thorpe and Michael Phelps proud.

When her email arrived, I was delighted and excited, ready to become a new kind of athlete in the pool.  And maybe she could help me with my cycling and running.  I'd come this far in deciding to hire a coach, I might as well go all the way.  To hell with a 16-hour something Ironman time.  Maybe I could finish somewhere in the 15th hour!  Oh, the POSSIBILITIES!

I read beyond the first line of her message, in which she apologized for the delay in her response.  She went on to explain that she took three days to respond because she was mulling over whether she had time to add another athlete to her schedule.  Whaaaat?  Whether she had time?  Uhhh, this wasn't in my plan.  She HAD to have time for me.  She was recommended to me.  I was to be her star athlete, who would go from slow to fast.  I could elaborate here on my confusion and disappointment, but the point is this: I was confused and disappointed.  She rejected me.  She wished me well and told me to keep her in mind for "the next time".  THE NEXT TIME?!  THIS WOULD BE THE ONLY TIME, LADY!  I was rejected and dejected.  I have no plans to ever attempt an Ironman again.  And the one coach I'd approached had rejected me flat out.

I spent that entire day feeling crappy about the irony.  Maybe she'd rejected me because I am so slow (*perhaps* I am a little bothered by my slowness).  Maybe I went into too much detail and gave her too many reasons to kick me to the curb before we'd even gotten started.  Maybe I seemed too needy.  Maybe...I needed to get a grip.  At least that's what my wonderful and ever-so-supportive husband told me, but in different words.  I think what he actually said was something more like, "Honey, triathlon season is in full swing.  Maybe she just doesn't have time."  Huh.  Well, maybe.  I suppose that's a possibility, too.  But that doesn't really allow me time to feel dejected and sorry for myself.  In fact, that seems like a very matter-of-fact, business-like way to look at things.  Hmmmmm.

After a couple days, the sting was mostly gone.  I swung from a feeling of rejection to an attitude of defiance.  Fine...she doesn't want to help me?!  Then I'm going to do this myself.  I will become an Ironman ON MY OWN.  And a couple days after THAT gem crossed my mind, I came to the reality of my situation: in no way am I doing this on my own.  I may not be paying a coach to tell me exactly what workouts to do at what pace on which days, but I am following a very detailed training plan written by an Ironman (Don Fink).  I swim in a pool at the Y with Ironmen (and they have the M-dot tatoos to prove it) with whom I chat and talk about training.  And most importantly, I bike, run, eat, sleep, talk, and generally spend nearly all my free time with an Ironman who is the love of my life.  Wes is a never-ending source of support and encouragement.  When I am feeling low and incapable, he reminds me of my ability and desire to do this thing.  He is my original source of inspiration to attempt to complete Ironman Louisville, and he is my biggest fan.

With or without the expertise of a hired coach, I will jump in the Ohio River on August 28 knowing that I am as well prepared as I could possibly be.  And I know that when I exit the water (before the cutoff time...here's hoping!), my biggest fan and the best coach I could have asked for will be right there, waiting to cheer me on through the rest of the biggest triathlon day of my life.